The Waiting Room Between Knowing and Not Knowing

Finding five lumps during a routine mammogram wasn’t on my 2025 bingo card. But here we are. And I’m not writing this for pity. I’m writing it for presence.

I FINALLY decided to get my shit together when it came to my health 5 days before I turned 44. I officially made it past the age of my dad’s death (43) and in honor of him I was going to do better. I cut out soda on Jan 1, started working with a friend who is getting her weight loss coaching business going and started educating myself on all the things. Scheduled my OB GYN appt and mammogram appt on same day - determined to make 44 the best year ever.

Last week I went to my appointments. 30 lbs lighter than the beginning of the year! An online business that literally sets my soul on fire in the best way ever, felt IN CHARGE finally giving a shit about my health. First appt OB GYN - “not as bad as it used to be” I thought. Left there on cloud 9, stopped and got my Starbucks Iced Cherry Latte and headed over to my next big girl appt - the mammogram. Go inside, put on my paper gown that opens from the font, got some cute nipple covers and the whole process took 5 minutes. I was in and out! She said I did great, not so bad, right? I said not at all! See ya next year! About skipped out to the truck so proud of myself that I was actually doing the do. My grandmas ashes are in my car, breast cancer survivor x TWO times and I looked at her, smiled and started driving home.

Got about 40 min up the road in my hour and a half drive back home and got an alert on my phone saying “new results available in your mychart.” I thought WOOOO!!! That was fast!! Stopped at the light for the train, talking to my husband on the phone about how today was easy peasy and said ooooh let me read ya the report quick! He was talking away about something, I stopped hearing anything he was saying when I realized my report said INCOMPLETE. I thought mother truckkkkerr I have to go back and do this again?! What happened? And then I kept reading.

THE RESULTS

Right breast:
-8 mm mass in the 9:00 region 9 cm from the nipple
-7 mm mass in the non-10:00 region 12 cm from the nipple

Left breast:
-8 mm mass in the 2:00 region 11 cm from the nipple
-8 mm focal asymmetry in the central left breast in the middle 3rd of the breast.
-8 mm asymmetry in the left cc view in the middle 3rd of the breast without an MLO correlate, in the 6:00 region by tomosynthesis.

Wait. What? I read it again. And then again. And thought I am sorry, huh? Is this saying I have FIVE masses in my breasts?!

All the blood left my face and I realized the train was gone and I could drive again. I tell my husband what I think I just read and he said ok hold on, pull over and see for sure. So I did. And then I googled. Probably not the best thing to do but I needed to know wtf was happening, ya know?

So then I go down to recommendations: Diagnostic Mammogram and Ultrasound. I got home and quickly acted like everything was fine. My oldest daughter is in EMT school and she had a big test literally that night. I sure as heck wasn’t going to tell her anything right now. I couldn’t call my doctor’s office because it was after 6pm at this time so I googled half the night. Reddit, chat GPT, anything I could get my eyes on. And most things I read were very optimistic! Which SHOULD have given me hope! But I was just sick to my stomach and numb. I am really really good at keeping shit to myself when I am scared, that came in handy.

The next day I called the doctors office and asked when I can get in for the ultrasound. To which they said they hadn’t received the results yet - we played this game for another entire 24 hours. I LITERALLY HAD THE RESULTS IN MY HANDS but they don’t have access to the hospital records so they had to wait. I told them I needed someone to pick up the phone or take my screenshots as proof then for an ultrasound because I am unwell right now with worry.

Friday morning (two days later) I got the call to schedule for the next week.

As of this entry it has been six days since finding out I have 5 lumps living inside of me that I did not know were there. Six days of worry. Six days of keeping it from my youngest daughter who was flying home from being abroad for four months (I couldn’t tell her anything while she was having the time of her life, that would be extremely selfish).

Six days of not telling anyone outside of my very close friends (two of them). I had so much fear that my clients would think I couldn’t do a good job for them anymore. I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone. I didn’t want pity. I didn’t want anything to think anything less of me. And for six days I kept it quiet, under rap, not really being my normal self online but still providing enough content to keep my business going!

Tomorrow I go in for diagnostics and a plan. Tomorrow I will know what is happening. Tomorrow will determine what the hell I do next.

So today I announced it online. Something came over me and pushed me to NOT STOP SHARING the real and raw truth of being a mom, a wife, a business owner when something unexpected and scary happens. Life is NOT easy all day every day and I truly want to show the real side of being an entrepreneur when shit hits the fan.

So as of right now I have ZERO idea what tomorrow will bring. But I know one thing - I will NEVER EVER EVER give up on anything I do. I will continue to be who I always am - the one who survives any storm and the one who welcomes new storms to learn how to survive them stronger and better than the one before.

My Business continues

This experience isn’t teaching me to slow down or allow the stillness to take over. It’s reminding me that I built a business that holds me when I need it, too. And a reminder that my clients don’t just come to me for strategy and the HOW - they come to me because I don’t flinch when shit gets real.

i wanted you to know

If you’re navigating something heavy—seen or unseen—while trying to keep your business alive, your household running, and all of the above…I want you to know this: You’re not behind. You’re not broken. You’re still here. And your business doesn’t have to become a burden. It can become a container that holds you. And it’s ok to have that.

tomorrow

I don’t know what tomorrow will look like, and neither do you. So what are you going to do today? I know I will keep myself busy and occupied and meditate and do all the things that make me, ME. And tomorrow will come as it is supposed to. And whatever tomorrow brings I will be ready.